Finding the Secret to Successful Relationships
Your Relationship Matrix
First, a CREATIVITY WARMUP
First, pick up a pen
and notice...
How it looks,
how it sounds (tap it),
how it feels,
how it smells,
But Don't Taste It! You might get germs.
In Your "Mind's Eye"
Put the pen aside and out of your five senses.
Now review the pen in your mind.
How it looks in your mind...
How it sounds in your mind...
How it feels in your mind...
How it smells in your mind,
Taste it all you want! It's in your mind.
Noticing the Difference
Now take a moment to notice the difference between your 5-Senses experiencing of the pen versus you mental experiencing of the pen.
The Feeling of Toward...
Now recall how it feels to move toward something. You might see a puppy, get curious and then pet the puppy. That probably leads to the feeling of satisfaction.
Saving the Couple
Saving Marriages and other Couples
The Feeling of Away
If you see a snake about the strike, fear shows up inside of you. You do something to get away from the fear, and you probably feel relief.
The Relationship Matrix
To unstick your relationship we put all of those elements together in a diagram nicknamed "the Matrix" or "the ACT Matrix."
The Matrix is always about relationships. In this case we will focus on romantic or "couples" relationships that can be sympbolized by a ring or other object.
Experiencing Your Ring
(If you don't have a ring, use some other object that represents your relationship.)
See it...
Hear it (tap on it)...
Touch it...
Smell it...
Don't taste it!
Mental Experiencing of Your Ring
Put your ring (or other meaningful object) aside, out of your five senses. Now, in your relationship mind...
See it...
Hear it...
Touch it...
Smell it...
Taste it...
Now Notice the Difference
between your sensory and mental experiencing of the ring.
[While noticing the difference, what comes to your mind about your relationship?]
Who's Important to You?
Given your experiencing of the ring (both sensory and relationship mind),
Who is important to you?
Given Who's Important to You
is there yucky feeling stuff that shows up and gets in the way of moving toward the person who is important to you?
Away from Yucky Stuff
When yucky stuff shows up inside of you, you might do something to get relief from it. This "relief move" may have nothing much to do with who's important to you, but that person might notice you doing the away move.
Toward The Important Person
What could you do to move who's important to you? Think of something that would probably improve your relationship. Make it simple like
Talk,
Walk,
Text, etc.
Workable?
There are also away moves that can work for your relationship. Maybe you need some "alone" time do de-stress.
Some away moves don't work for your relationship.
Same goes for Toward moves. Many work for your relationship, and some work better than others.
By noticing your toward and away moves, you are beginning to Notice Workability.
Noticing Workability
The secret in any relationship is to learn the Away and Toward moves that work. Keep what works; stop doing stuff that doesn't work.
How do you notice what works?
You use your five senses and really, really NOTICE your partner after you do an Away or Toward move. Notice the facial expressions, the body language, the tone of voice.
If you pay very close attention to your partner, you will quickly learn what works (and what doesn't).
Getting Flexible
With a bit of Noticing practice, you will start to notice flexibility showing up inside of you. You will try new Toward and Away moves in a genuine effort to improve your relationship.
With a combination of your sensory and mental experiencing, you will quickly learn which moves work.
(No worries, the Flexibility just shows up when you do the noticing described above.)
The Secret to Successful Relationships
is to "turn in" rather than "turn away." What does that mean? Well, sometimes a yucky feeling will show up inside of you while your partner is right next to you. If you choose to turn away from the yucky (sticky) experience, your partner will instantly notice your away move and experience it as moving away. That's just human nature.
Turning Away is almost never good for a relationship.
The "secret" is to have the yucky stuff and go ahead and turn in to your partner.
There's more about "Turning In" in the recording that goes with this page.
"Whether you are a professional helper or someone looking to up your game, Dr. Polk and his fabulous website provide you with effective tools to get you where you want to go. "
Testimonial
School Psychologist
"Dear Dr, Polk It has been 2 years since I came across your creative way of doing ACT. At the time I read your first book. Ever since I've been watching your clips in the ACT Matrix Academy. A few months ago I bought your second book. Then everything fell into its right place. So, basically this is a thank you email. I have learned so much from your attitude and work, though we have never met. There is one more thing that I learned from you - the act of giving. I am writing a free guiding book for parents in Hebrew (nearly finished). I think that every parent and teacher should get know the matrix perspective. All of the psychologists that I supervise are familiar with this perspective. I wonder whether you might want to add your preface to the book. Best, Yossi"
Yossi
Psychologist
"I love Mastering the Matrix! I have never had clients leave in such a happy state after a session. Also, it's such a joy to use and to see transformations as a learn more and more. What a jewel. "
